7 Animal House
Look, I love Animal House,
but… come on, you can’t tell me that the scene in which the boys take
their dates to a club filled with giant, menacing black dudes isn’t at
least slightly racist. Just a tad anyway. I mean, yeah, “Mind
if we dance with yo dates?” is a funny quote from a funny movie but
watching it recently I couldn’t help but think “What the hell? That’s,
uh, that’s kind of racist.” From the terrified reaction of the guys to
the meek, submissive fear shown by the white women, it’s a scene that
could never be filmed today. People would go nuts. Sure, the giant
black dudes treated the women with dignity and respect, but that’s why it’s
so racist. I mean, that was part of the joke – the dudes just wanted
to dance but because they were giant black dudes everyone assumed they
wanted to rape the white girls and kill the frat boys. How in the hell
is that not racist? Oh, also, how about all those minority students at
Faber College? Oh, wait…
6 Dangerous Minds
The plot of Dangerous Minds:
An intrepid white lady, played by Michelle Pfeiffer, braves the wild
urban jungle in order to bring civilization to a gang of inner-city
thugs and reprobates who are completely incapable of educating
themselves or finding reasons to live without the guidance of a gentle
white hand. Do I need to go on? No? Good. Also, this movie made
Coolio think that he was an important artist, which honestly is the
worst and most irresponsible thing on this entire list.
According to 300,
the Spartans – representing the defenders of Western Civilization – are
all chiseled demi-gods willing to give their lives in defense of
everything noble and right, while the Persians – representing the East –
are all rampaging degenerates, disgusting mutants, wild sex fiends with
nothing but animal lust in their hearts and treachery in their lizard
brains. Honestly, I’d rather hang out with Xerxes and his friends than
Leonidas and his boys while they polish their shields all night and
admire each other’s rock hard, uh, abs, but that’s beside the point.
The point is that in a movie in which the chief conflict is between East
and West – which let’s face it is kind of relevant given today’s world –
the forces of the East are all portrayed as inhuman monsters. Yeah,
yeah, I know the movie is about the heroic last stand of the Spartans at
Thermopylae, but to anyone paying attention it’s impossible to ignore
the subtext of the movie, which is that Westerners are all Greek Gods
and Easterners are all shifty perverts and monsters. Uh, on second
thought, maybe the racism in this one wasn’t so subtle.
4 Avatar/Dances With Wolves/The Last Samurai
was going to give each one of these movies a place of their own on this
list, but why bother? They’re basically all the same movie – a native
tribe tries to fend off the greedy advances of the cruel, spiritless
Western world while a single noble white man struggles with his own
place in that Western world before being embedded with the spiritually
advanced natives, who teach him their ways and then sit back while he
takes over and leads their resistance. Seriously, that is the basic
plot to all three of these movies. Whether it’s Kevin Costner fighting
Union troops on behalf of helpless Indians or Tom Cruise fighting Union
trained troops on behalf of helpless Japanese Samurai or Sam Worthington
fighting grizzled space marines and greedy developers on behalf of
helpless Indians, er, I mean Na’vi, they all have the same moral: white
people are soulless greedheads, native people are all soulful spirit
warriors and in the end, only a single spiritually evolved white man can
save their dying civilizations. Some would call these movies
progressive, but that shit is racist, yo.
3 The Passion of the Christ
Lessons learned from watching The Passion of the Christ:
Jesus is cool, Jews are all evil and would sell out their own savior,
and oh yeah, they really, really enjoy watching him get his ass beat
because, again, they are evil, just like the bad guys in Lethal Weapon. Okay, got it. Thanks for the lesson, Mel.
What’s racist about Hoosiers?
Well, how about the fact that the whole movie is built around the
fantasy of a bunch of humble, midwestern white kids banding together
thanks to grit, hustle, teamwork, David Eckstein and a lot of other
buzzwords used by secretly racist old white dudes to champion
un-athletic mediocre white athletes, in order to defeat the unstoppable
inner-city black monsters in the end to win the state championship? Uh,
that’s at least a little racist, right? Look, I love Hoosiers but let’s face it, this movie is a Klansman’s wet dream.
1 All of the Rocky movies
Rocky movies are, like Hoosiers, basically a white man’s fantasy.
Every single one of them is built around the white man triumphing over
the black man, who is basically used throughout the series as a symbol
for everything that’s keeping the white man from getting his piece of
the pie. Let’s break down the series, movie by movie, shall we?
In Rocky, the villain is Apollo Creed, a flashy black dude
who personifies the idea of style over substance. He wins in the end
but over the course of their title fight, the world falls in love with
the grit and moxie of the underdog white man, Rocky Balboa.
In Rocky II, Apollo Creed is again the bad guy, only this
time Rocky triumphs in the end, once and for all establishing that the
white way is the right way.
In Rocky III, Apollo has learned his lesson and now spends
all his time helping Rocky train like a glorified towel boy or
something. The new bad guy is a thug named Clubber Lang, played by Mr.
T, a black dude with no respect for anyone or anything. Also, it’s
implied that Rocky’s beloved trainer, a crusty old white dude named
Mickey, literally dies because Rocky won’t listen to him and stay humble
and act like a gritty white man should, which as we learned from the
previous movies is the only way to triumph over the wild ways of the
In Rocky IV, the bad guy isn’t black, but Russian and all
the Russians are portrayed as inhuman cheaters, joyless robots who just
want to crush the free spirit of the American Rocky. Also, Apollo shows
up and gets killed by the Russian in a fight which sees Apollo act like
such a black stereotype that it’s surprising that he doesn’t break into
a little soft-shoe mid-fight.
In Rocky V, Rocky has become poor and brain-damaged from
years of abuse at the hands of evil black dudes and monster Russians.
He mentors a young white fighter who soon falls prey to the advances of a
slimy black promoter who turns the young white guy against Rocky and
forces Rocky to fight back once again against the flashy ways of the
evil black man.
And finally, in Rocky Balboa, a 97 year-old Rocky comes out
of retirement to whip the ass of the disrespectful and brash new
champion, a flashy upstart who, shock of all shocks, is a young black
I’m guessing that in Rocky VII, Rocky will finally just get
it over with and join the Klan. You can argue with me all you want but
just read everything I just wrote and tell me that the Rocky franchise
isn’t, as the esteemed founder of Guyism – and reportedly handsome as
hell – Chris Spags once stated, “a subtly racist parable for the white
man’s triumph over the black man.” And that’s why it’s number one on